I hate myself for not being able to look at the last photos of Dad and I together – they fill me with intense shame
LOOKING at photos from the months before her dad died should be a happy, nostalgic pastime for Ellie Crabtree.
But instead of feeling the warmth of the memories starring back at her, she is overcome with immense shame.
All Ellie can see is her size – and hates herself for obsessing over her 15st 6lb, size 18 frame.
The 22-year-old piled on 5st while caring for her father Geoff, who died from cancer in October 2022.
The final pictures they took together were designed to make happy memories – but now they just leave her humiliated.
She was so mortified by her appearance she called time on her forthcoming wedding, choosing to concentrate on “loving herself”.
Not only did she lose more than 6st in the process, she went on to become a bodybuilder, placing second in a national contest.
Ellie, from Cumbria, tells Sun Health: “I didn’t even realise I was putting weight on while dad was ill.
“I just grabbed comfort food, toast and takeaways, and I ballooned.
“Seeing a photo of one of our final days out left me in tears because I was so big.
“Then I felt guilty for worrying about my weight when dad was dying. I was so mixed-up.
“I wish he could see the transformation in me, but I know he’s looking down and he’s proud.”
Ellie had been a little overweight as a child but in her teenage years her weight levelled out.
“I was bullied at primary school because of my size and aged 12, I begged mum to take me to a slimming class,” she says.
“I used to Google, ‘How to lose two pounds overnight’.
“It was only puppy fat, and as I grew taller my weight balanced out, but that stigma remained.”
Early in 2021, Geoff was diagnosed with sarcoma – a type of cancer that starts in soft tissue – in his right ankle.
“He was fit and healthy so it was a huge shock,” Ellie says.
“We were very close, I was a daddy’s girl, and it hit us all hard.
“But the doctors reassured him it was completely curable if he had his leg amputated.
“He was really brave, he had the surgery and had a prosthetic fitted and we were all so thankful.
“I was so inspired by his recovery that I got a new job as a hospice carer.”
I couldn’t look back at photos of our final months because I looked so big. I hated myself for focusing on my weight, but I couldn’t help it Ellie Crabtree
But in December that year, Geoff complained of back pain.
And shortly before Ellie’s 20th birthday in July 2022, he learned his cancer had returned and he had only three months to live.
Ellie says: “We were heartbroken. Mum and I looked after him, and it was exhausting and stressful.
“By the end, he was crawling to the bathroom, and he was in so much pain.
“There was no structure to our day, and I ate all the wrong foods – toast, Chinese takeaways, anything to make me feel better. I was physically and emotionally drained.
“My parents noticed I was gaining weight but didn’t want to upset me by saying anything.
“I was in denial; I just didn’t look at myself.”
Geoff, 60, passed away in the hospice in October 2022, leaving Ellie, her mum Mandy, 60, and older brother Jordan, devastated.
Ellie says: “I was broken hearted. I couldn’t look back at photos of our final months because I looked so big.
“I hated myself for focusing on my weight, but I couldn’t help it.
“My self-esteem was very low, I didn’t see my friends or go out at all.”
Realising she had to make a change, Ellie began eating more healthily and she joined a small gym.
She says: “I only went to the gym when it was empty, because I was embarrassed.
“Slowly, I began losing weight and that became my focus.
“Every time I felt like giving up, I’d think of dad and what he went through; he was my inspiration.”
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
In 2023, Ellie decided her entire life needed an overhaul.
She says: “I was engaged, and we’d actually booked our wedding, but I cancelled it all and I moved back in with mum.
“I felt I had to learn to love myself before I could be in a relationship.
“I joined a bigger gym, and in January 2024 I began bodybuilding.
“It had never once occurred to me before then, but I just decided I fancied the challenge.”
With the help of her coach Kade Kendal, Ellie began training seven days a week and following a strict diet of chicken, fish, fruit, vegetables, oats, rice and potatoes.
In June 2024, she placed second at the NABBA British Bodybuilding finals.
Ellie’s diet before and after
BEFORE
- Breakfast: skipped it
- Lunch: sandwiches, toast, chocolates
- Dinner: takeaways, biscuits, chocolate
- Snacks: chocolate, crisps
- Approach: no structure to meals, plain and colourless foods
AFTER
- Breakfast: overnight oats, avocado and eggs on a bagel
- Lunch: prawn or chicken salad with flatbreads
- Dinner: chicken breast, lean mince, salmon or steak with rice or potatoes and fresh vegetables or salad, homemade burgers, chicken skewers, homemade air fryer wedges
- Approach: food is varied and colourful, with the odd sweet treat and meal out with friends
She says: “I was really proud of myself.
“It was bittersweet, because dad wasn’t there, but I knew he was looking down on me.”
For the competition, Ellie dropped to 9st 3lb, with a total weight loss of 6st 3lb.
She now juggles her council job with running her own coaching business, Transform with EC, where she advises dozens of women on weight loss.
Ellie is currently happy at her target weight of 10st and has dropped from a dress size 18 to an eight to 10.
“I’m enjoying helping others to achieve their goals,” she says.
“Dad is never far from my thoughts; he’s been my guiding light through it all.”
